Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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