Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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