I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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