U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
