So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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