Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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