I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
