i think i have two assholes
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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