i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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