I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Randomize
