Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
