Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
