I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
