Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
