I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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