If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
