If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
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I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
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Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
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