There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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