I can't watch pbs sober anymore
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
