Are we in a gay sports bar?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
