I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
