Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
