I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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