Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
