Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Randomize
