We won't sleep together?
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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