Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
