By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
