I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
