you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
