1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
