Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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