the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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