I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Randomize
