life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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