Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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