Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
