Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
