I am full of burrito and curiosity
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
