Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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