I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
did i just pee glitter
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
