I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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