A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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