Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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