she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
