You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Who died my cat blue again?
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