i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
