I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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