Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I cockslap morals
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
