So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
True strength comes from lack of pants
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
