I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
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