dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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