Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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