Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
